Ask Jean: Addicted to the Wrong Guy
I left my perfect boyfriend for a guy who was totally wrong for me.
Dear Jean:
I was dating this perfect man for seven years. Same education, smart, ambitious, lifting me up when I felt down, grounding me when I go nuts. My absolute best friend.
Something has always been missing though... I just didn’t imagine spending my life with him.
Then this kid, twelve years younger, shows up in my life. We have literally nothing in common besides hockey. He can’t meet any of my emotional needs. But for whatever reason I go nuts over him. Something I’ve never felt before in my entire life.
I dumped my awesome human. Then the kid decided he wasn’t up for the task of being the boyfriend, after waiting on me to dump my previous boyfriend for one year, promising me marriage and kids, and saying I was the love of his life.
In the past year, we have tried to date, be friends with benefits, be friends, be nothing… Every time I took a break and came back, he would show me all this passion and then pull back every time I even remotely imply I need more time with him.
How do I move forward?
—Addicted to the Wrong Guy
Dear Addicted:
Right now, you may feel like Jen of The Bachelorette Season Three. After a long period of drama and deciding between guys, you’ve come out realizing none of the guys was The One. But just as Jen finally found true love after giving up on her TV romance, you can, too.
With your ex, you were in a local optimum but not a global one—and neither of you were likely to shake things up. As bad and as messy as that breakup might feel, you did both of you a favor. You are both now free to find the love you deserve.
But you deserve more than the non-boyfriend. He’s promised you everything and delivered on none of it. He does not build you up when you’re down. And if he were meant to stay in your life even as a friend, he would not pull away when you needed him.
I once read an article about how, by being so withholding, hot-and-cold lovers can make you addicted to the dopamine rush of their attention. I’m not a neuroscientist, but my understanding is that being in these hot-and-cold relationships is like doing cocaine. Have you been spending time on self-care? With friends who build you up? Such an uprooting, combined with lockdown, could make you more susceptible to focusing on this one guy. Block his number and take care of yourself.
And the tumultuous relationship with the “kid” was not for nothing. He showed you what it looks like to have more passion. He showed you that you could connect intensely with someone who doesn’t look at all like your perfect-on-paper partner. The sooner you move on from this guy, the sooner you can find a different guy with whom you have both friendship and romantic chemistry.
Jean (@jeanqasaur) is a former Computer Science professor turned startup founder and has no business writing a dating column. JeanDate the Advice Column came out of the JeanDate matchmaking project, which led to the shows Zoom Bachelorette and Zoom Bachelor. Submit your questions here.
> you were in a local optimum but not a global one
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