Ask Jean: What's your take on fixer-uppers?
It's clear my new partner has baggage from a past relationship.
Dear Jean:
What’s your take on fixer-uppers?
I’m a woman in my mid-thirties living in NYC. I just started seeing someone. While there are some green flags, it’s clear he has baggage from a past long-term relationship. He tells me how great it is that I’m different from his ex and his friends and family agree, but I’m struggling to find this sentiment flattering.
Is it worth my time to try unraveling this, or should I cut bait and find someone who doesn’t have a lot to unlearn?
—Nervous to Claim the Baggage
Dear Nervous,
Yikes. Getting dragged into comparisons with the ex this early in a relationship is a real mood-killer. But it could help form a stronger foundation for your relationship.
What’s the most daunting about the prospect of unraveling your new beau’s baggage? Is it that he is not ready for a new relationship before he can move on from his previous one? Or is it that he’s ready, but it’s going to take some time for him to let you in? And how much are your concerns colored by people who have disappointed you in the past?
If your new partner hasn’t moved on from his ex enough to start something new, then I suggest putting your romantic relationship on hold. Maybe he needs time; maybe he needs therapy; maybe he needs conversations with friends. If he needs to work through a backlog of issues before he’s ready to fully be with you and meet your romantic needs, you’re going to become too resentful to be happy with him.
If he simply needs to move slowly, give him a chance. A friend once told me his favorite comic book artist said that there’s always an additional character in their work. For children, that character is the environment. For adults, that character is their baggage. And even someone with the happiest relationship history will need to unlearn assumptions when getting to know someone new. The fact that your new partner is open about their past gives you the opportunity to address these topics head-on from the beginning. Talk to him about how you feel. See how much progress you can make together. If you still feel the same way in a month, cut bait.
Jean (@jeanqasaur) is a former Computer Science professor turned startup founder and has no business writing a dating column. JeanDate the Advice Column came out of the JeanDate matchmaking project, which led to the shows Zoom Bachelorette and Zoom Bachelor. Submit your questions here.